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Post by tripop on May 14, 2008 14:03:59 GMT -5
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
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TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"
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A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all.”
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Post by wiser on May 14, 2008 15:50:03 GMT -5
SUMBICH A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its a**! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,' 'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy. The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy. The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?' Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?' Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'
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Post by tripop on May 14, 2008 17:08:59 GMT -5
LOL
that sumbich is a good one
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Post by wiser on May 14, 2008 18:11:28 GMT -5
Ya I definitely like that one a lot too..Same with your texas one lol
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Post by Dragon_Stalker on May 14, 2008 20:45:15 GMT -5
So far so good, but I've heard ALL of these before! I like the preposition joke a lot as well as the hunter killing his friend joke. Hit me with more laughter because I'm loving it!!!
One more day to submit anything that you consider funny, by the way.
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Post by wiser on May 14, 2008 22:31:24 GMT -5
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. ‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson. “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
another
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
one more
GOLFING HIT MAN
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.' 'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed The game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the new comer, 'What do you do for a living?' 'I'm a hit man,' was the reply. 'You're joking!' was the response. 'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.' 'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. 'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can See sh e's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! ; He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?' 'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.' 'Can you do two for me now?' 'Sure, what do you want?' 'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.' 'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his thingy off to teach him a lesson.' The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. 'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently. 'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly,'I think I can save you a grand here
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Post by sirinnu on May 14, 2008 22:42:10 GMT -5
hehe
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Post by tripop on May 15, 2008 12:04:11 GMT -5
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Post by Dragon_Stalker on May 16, 2008 3:12:27 GMT -5
Hehe, trip wins the nice reg fang with his last post of that video. I loved it so much that I watched it twice!
I'll post another competition tomorrow so everyone be ready to compete for the prize.
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Post by wiser on May 16, 2008 6:19:52 GMT -5
Definitely agree with that decision! loved the video. Can't wait for the next bidding thing!
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Post by tripop on May 16, 2008 11:19:32 GMT -5
Yah, I cant get over how tight the little dude looks thanks for the fang !!
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Post by Dragon_Stalker on May 16, 2008 11:35:28 GMT -5
Next prize: 192d DSJ UTUR Bids are to be in insults or threats to me. Whoever frightens, burns, or otherwise harms me the most by next Tuesday will win the DSJ. I'm ready for the flaming to start. I'll let this one go until next Tuesday. P.S. Feel free to participate even if you aren't after the prize; this might be your chance to say something that's been on your mind and get away with it
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Post by Dragon_Stalker on May 17, 2008 10:07:18 GMT -5
No insults?
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Post by Stalat on May 17, 2008 10:41:00 GMT -5
I just can't come up with an insult lol
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Post by wiser on May 17, 2008 19:23:26 GMT -5
You must of been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen
You're adopted and no one loves you
It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork
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